GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bad gggrrrr not happy gggrrrrr. i hat dealing with selfish people. i hate it. it is like they have no idea that the rest of us are out here being trampled by them. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
sorry for the ranting but i am doing a favor for a family member which involves a person that just drives me up a wall. plus they are one of the most self-centered people that i know. yesterday i took this person shopping with me...(i had a few but this one turned it into an all about them day... anyways) this person got made at me for wanting to go do something with the other person that was with us. they said that i promised their mom that i would take care of them (oh and FYI this person is 23 years old.) well in the middle of yelling at me about it this person grabbed my arm. hard and would not let go. then after spending 4 hours on this one person i spent 3mins... i know because the 3rd person had checked their phone.... so i spent 3mins on me and was paying for the christmas gift i had chosen when the selfish person stomped upto me demanded who i was getting the item for after i told them it was for pj this person got mad and started yelling at me that they had to leave and then tried for bully me out of the store and even grabbed my arm for a moment to drag me out of the store. the sales lady (god bless her!) quickly finished with my idem and handed it to me. (i could have kissed her.) to say i was mad is an under statement. but brandi was a life saver. i went shopping with her after and she was bubbly and happy and we shopped for christmas decorations. anyways that is life right?

just breath

it has been hard the last few days not hearing from ripu. i miss him so much and everyone around me laughs and jokes about him probably not coming or him not showing up. i smile and try to laugh it off but the truth is that it hurts. i have a hard enough time dealing with my own head but when they add to my trust issues i feel like running and hiding. not in the figurative sense, but the they just keep pushing and i look at airplane tickets to anywhere. but then he calls and all the bullshit washes away. all the hurt and pain of my day is gone and i am left with peace, lol even if pj and i are fighting.

i am a better person with pj. he pushes me to be better, and i push him to follow his dreams.


oh P.S. i feel like i am getting closer to the person that i want to be. i have come so far. (i know that i have a long way to go, but i am so proud of me... :)

workin hard at lovin myself as myself

so i am hear visiting mom and the family. i am having fun and i have to say it is nice to have mom and dad and my American family around me. i have missed them. lol but now i miss my mama and papa and my family in India. but i am doing school work and trying to rest and help mom with what she needs done. i love it. but i can not wait to get to work. i need money and i need to see pj. i miss him, but i know that he is workin hard in school. but thats what i have been upto.... oh i got a new book it is done by Dan Brown. the name of it is "The Lost Symbol". i think that it will be good. i can not wait to read it. well i am off to start my first chapter......

Counting down the days

Well i have today and tomorrow left to be here. then i head to pinky pu-ji's house for a few days then i get on a plane and go to mom and dad's. i wish i could stay because i know i will miss mama and papa but i also cant wait to go to see mom and dad and everyone in washington that i have missed while here. i know that is sounds silly but thats how it is.

oh i started school the other day. i like my classes. it is going good. well i have to run.

This is Xander. He looks alot like his dad. He is happy and healthy. i cant wait to see him.

A PROUD AUNT AGAIN!!!!

I am happy to anounce that I am a an Aunt again... :) Levi and Jen had their baby! I am so happy for them. and Xander Wesley is so cute. he is healths and his parents are very happy. i cant wait to see him. i have been packing and getting ready for my trip to go see my mom and family in Washington U.S.A. i have missed my mommy. She is so much one of my biggest strengths. and another one of my strengths (Ripu) said he will be at my moms before me so i am excited about that. I miss him. lol I am so much in love with him. He makes me so happy. ok well i have to go pack some more so see ya all later.

a moment in my life

i close my eyes,
i can feel your breath on my bare neck.
your moist lips gently brush my lips,
your kiss is meek and gentle,
my skin tingles under your touch.
you pull me closer now,
i can feel the need and urgency in your kiss,
your fingers are tangled in my hair.
finally our lips part,
we are both out of breath.
my eyes flutter open,
and you are there.

SATISFIED

Today Pj was excepted into med school. He is so excited. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. I can't wait. He is taking me with him. I feel so happy. I feel like our lives are finally back on track. Pj is in med school, I'm in school, we are together mind body and spirit. and I am loyal to him. I am keeping all my promises that i made to myself on my birthday. I feel so clean and it finally feels like things are going right in my life, in our lives. I can again see the house we build together and making it into our home with little things. Then grow happily old together in rockers on the porch. right now i feel satisfied with my life. I feel like, like well Satisfied is the only word that i can think of....i am satisfied.

hard work starts to payoff

i have been working on a few projects and yesterday i started seeing good things coming from it. i feel so happy i could burst. i feel so alive and like i have so much to do and live for. lol dont get me wrong i have always had something to live for but yesterday i was given a glimpse into forever and i liked what i saw. i am truly and utterly happy right this moment. i know there will be boulders and stumbling blocks ahead of me but i know that i can do anything i put my mind to. i know what i want in life and i am going for it. and to anyone who thinks that they cant do something let me tell u from personal experience it will be a hard road. harder then you could ever imagine but if it is worth it, you can do it. you can overcome anything if you are willing to work on it. and it is a good thing that my mom gave me a good work ethic because it made me look at my life, see what i needed to change, and change it. no matter what the cost of changing my life it was worth it. and i thank my mom for being with me every step of the way even when she did not know it and was on the other side of the world from me. when i think of the kind of woman i want to be she is the woman i picture. she is the strongest, most spiritual, and most unwavering person that i know. i know she was not born perfect. but she has worked to become the best person she can be. she has gone through hellish moments in life and come out from them with her head held high and never given up. she is my hero and i love her. she is the person i strive to be more like. i know we should strive to be like god but i dont think i am ready for that. i dont think i am ready to place the bar at perfection i know that i will make a mistake and then i will give up on that goal and if i give up on that goal i will give up on all of them and be back to doing things to make me forget. so my goal is to be more like mom. the closest person i know to being god like. i know it sounds odd but i look at it this way she has made mistakes in her life and come out better for them. when i think of her i think of a pic that i once drew. a woman in a mask and cape. her cape had been torn and restitched. there was dirt and mud on it. she had blood on her mask and knuckles. she was not perfect but she was doing what she could for those who could not do for themselves. i never showed it to anyone. after i finished it i tucked it away somewhere and lost it. but i think about it often when i think about my mom. she is my super hero and i hope that someday i can be as good and as kind as she is. that is my quest. not perfection but the closest thing i have ever found.

i dont strive to change the world. i just strive to change the lives of the people around me for the better. maybe someday, if everyone does the small things, the world will be a better place for all of us. - megan hawkins

just me

i can be anything. i can pretend that i am anyone. i can be what u want or they want. i can blend into the crowed or stand out. i can act any part u want me to play. i can be the perfect person for u. but if i do this for u, u will never know the real me. u will never know the person behind all the smiles and charm. i will sell myself if that is what asked of me. but in the end when all the cards are played u will know a stranger thinking that it is me. so i will just be me. with my flaws and work in progress life. u will have to accept my strange love of music, sports, comic books and art. i accept u just the way u are now can u accept me. if not i will not change. i am me. i have learned to love myself and should not have to change into another person to have u love me. if u cant love the person i am then there is the door. it will hurt me to see u go. we have been through so much but it would be a mistake to pretend to be anyone but me. i am simply me and i love myself.

another one of my fav song

I'll Come For You lyrics
Nickelback
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad;

Just one more moment
That's all that's needed
Like wounded soldiers
In need of feeling

Time to be honest
This time I'm pleading
Please don't dwell on it
'Cause I didn't mean it

I can't believe I said
I'd lay my love on the ground
But it doesn't matter
'Cause I made it up
Forgive me now

Everyday I spent away
My soul's inside out
Gotta be someway
That I can make it up
To you now some how

By now you know that
I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes, I'd come for you
But only if you told me to

I'd fight for you
I'd lie, it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'd always come for you

I was blindfolded
But now I'm seeing
My mind was closing
Now I'm believing

I finally know just
What it means
To let some one in
To see the side of me
That no one does or ever will

So if you're ever lost and
Find yourself all alone
I'd search forever
Just to bring you home
Here and now, it's a vow

By now you know that
I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes, I'd come for you
But only if you told me to

I'd fight for you
I'd lie, it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'd always come for you
You know I'd always come for you

No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what, remember
You know I'll always come for you

Yes, I'd come for you
No one but you
Yes, I'd come for you
But only if you told me to

And I'd fight for you
I'd lie, it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'll always come for you

No matter what gets in my way
As long as there's still life in me
No matter what, remember
You know I'll always come for you

I'd crawl across this world for you
Do anything you want me to
No matter what, remember
You know I'll always come for you
You know I'll always come for you

Lyrics from one of my fav songs

How You Remind Me lyrics
Songwriters: Kroeger, Michael; Vikedal, Ryan; Kroeger, Chad; Peake, Ryan;

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
?Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah
No, no

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me

This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking

And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
Are we having fun yet?
Yeah, yeah
No, no

As The Days Go By

i miss pj. he has been gone for about a week. so i looking forward to seeing him in a few days...

i have been doing great on my goals and mom has gotten the stuff done for me so i can get back in school. she has been so amazing. i hope to be more like her.

i dont really have much to say today. i have had trouble sleeping. my bad dreams are back. i miss my mom and everyone over there.

well till..... till.... till next time. (as mom always says) over and out.

A Few Quotes

A Few Quotes


- I believe it is the nature of people to be heroes, given the chance. -James A. Autry

- Life with out a friend is death without a witness. -Spanish Proverb

- Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. -Thomas Jefferson

A NEW DAWN, A NEW DAY

i look at every day as a chance to start over. to prove to myself that i am becoming a better person. i try to do better then i did yesterday. i dont always do better but i try. i have kept the promises that i made to myself. the only one that i am having trouble with is the schooling but mom is helping me to sort it out so i can get back in. i dont know what i would do without her. she is so amazing. i love her. i love my family. all of them. i hope that they know that even if we are fighting like cats and dogs i will do anything for them. i love them all...

happy

Yesterday i was asked if i was happy. most people would just quickly say yes i am happy and move on with the conversation.... but i looked over my life and the last few days and i answered as honestly as i could. i am working on being happy. i have been happier the last few days then i have been in a long time. And when i am not happy i pretend to be happy. if u pretend long enough then u might just become happy and not notice..... ha ha ha.

how is life....

things are going good. i feel more confident and happy. i can close my eyes and see the person that i want to be and i feel closer to her everyday. i know that the road to her is not easy, but what worth anything is?

i spent most of this week at pinky pu-ji's house. my goal was to be the person that i am aspiring to be. it felt great. i was happy. they liked the person that i was. pinky pu-ji even said that she wants to find a girl just like me for her son when it is time for him to marry. i was touched by that.

pj and i are back in eachothers arms and i am in complete bilse... i knew that i have missed him but i did not comprehend how much. i love him so much. we are planning the future and life is good.

im back...

i feel great. i am doing great with all my goals.(well except for the school thing. still having trouble getting the stuff together.)

standing on the edge

i am staying with pinky pu-ji and her family for a few days and i am having a good time. i get lots of time to think and i came to realise that i am no longer on the edge of change. i have changed. i am a better person then i was. an i know that it will take time and hard work to continue becoming better i have taken the first steps and i am happier because of it. i feel like a better person because of it. i know if i can change so can anyone else. i am getting ride of the crap in my life.

so i am doing well and so is everyone here. things are going good in my life and pj will be here in a few days.... super excited!!!!! anyways will blog again later..

Talking

i talk with pj. I think that is is interesting how I can be so far away from pj and when we talk on the phone it feels like he is in the other room and going to walk in any moment. he feels so close. My goodness i cant wait for him to get back here. I miss him.

i talk with my mom more about everthing when i am here. i mean we have been very close for a few years now but it just seems that we make more of an effort to connect more. (and i love it when she calls, because i know that it costs alot to call me and she makes the effort to atleast call and say that she loves me. lol it might not make sence to anyone but me...)

i talk with some of my friends in usa. i miss them. they are so good to me. i asked them to check in on my mom and family while i am gone... to most people that would be a "hey how is life going for you? oh thats good. ok see you later." and then only once a month or something. but nooooo my friends help out often. they go over and spend time getting to know what my family needs and then are there to help. they are amazing...... :)

i talk to god. another promises that i made is to pray more. i feel closer to my maker. i try to take an hour everyday to meditate. during that time i think about were i want from this life, what i can dring to the lifes of the people that i love, and i talk with god. i think it is one of my favoret parts of my day.


But on to other things. i have been doing very good with my promises. i feel stronger as a person. i mean yes i have been working out but i am not talking about that kind of strength. i mean that inner strength. the only promises that i am having a problem with is contenuing to go to school. my school and i are having problems. but other then that i am doing great.

just thinking....

it is 4th of july and i am here in india, my heart is in florida and half of my family is in washington. they will be having a BBQ. watching fireworks. laughing and making memories.... i wish i was there. like beam me there for a few days and then beam me back after i see mom and dad and everyone. i miss them.

my life is crazy

hey i live in India right now. PJ is in Florida till the 13th. i miss him but i am doing ok here. the 14th of June was my birthday and i made some promises to myself. some goals if you want to say. i have not told anyone what they are but i will share some of them here.

i promise to be honest with myself.
i promise to be honest with PJ.
i promise to share my feelings and hopes and dreams with him. (we have been going through some stuff and i have kept it all bottles inside. we want to make things work and i am going to give 100%)
i promise to be and stay in school working to my goal of a PhD.
i promise to exercise more.
i promise to be loyal and true to myself.
i promise to spend more quality time with my family.

ok these are the ones that i am willing to share. i love my family and friends and i know that they will help me keep my promises.